Kids' Book Club

'We can’t pick up our Christmas tree today,’ said Grandad, staring through the window. Snowflakes as big as dinner-plates swirled and whirled outside, drifting higher and higher against the house. ‘This weather’s diabolical.’

‘It’s not that bad,’ said my big brother Billy. ‘I’ll go and get the tree.’

‘You’ll be sorry,’ warned Grandad. ‘I’ve seen some nasty weather in my time, but this takes the biscuit.’

‘Oh-oh,’ laughed Billy. ‘This sounds like the start of one of your tall tales.’

Grandad stroked his chin thoughtfully. ‘The Fearsome Fog of Forty Four was so thick you couldn’t see the end of your nose.

‘It was so thick, I knitted a jumper, three scarves and a pair of mittens out of it.'

‘It was so thick, I set out to walk to school one morning, and got lost. When the fog finally lifted nine weeks later, I was standing in a pigsty, sixty four miles away in Plumpton-on-the-Bean.’

He shook his head. ‘But it wasn’t as Fearsome as this.’

‘You’re pulling our legs!’ said my big brother Billy, slipping his wellington boots on.

‘Then there was the Furious Floods of Fifty Five,’ said Grandad. ‘It was so wet, the whole country was plunged under water for three months. We had to breathe through twenty-foot long straws that poked out above the waves.

‘It was so wet, I built an ark to save all the pets in town. When the water drained away, the boat was stuck like a see-saw on top of Blackpool Tower. I made parachutes for the animals out of empty crisp packets, and they floated down to the ground, two by two. The parrot flew home by itself.

‘It was so wet in Scotland, the towns of Mony-a-Mickle and Maks-a-Muckle floated away and ended up as islands off the coast of Spain.’

He shook his head. ‘But it wasn’t as Furious as this.’

‘You’re having a laugh!’ said my big brother Billy, pulling a woolly hat onto his head.

‘Then there was the Horrible Heatwave of H-eighty H-eight,’ said Grandad. ‘It was so hot, busses and cars melted like jelly.

‘It was so hot, we cooked sausages for breakfast by holding them out of the window on the end of a fork.

‘It was so hot, the water in Lake Windymare boiled. I dumped twenty-thousand tea bags in it and we had free cups of tea for a month.’

He shook his head. ‘But it wasn’t as Horrible as this.’

‘You’re kidding us!’ said my big brother Billy, zipping up his coat.  

‘The Gruesome Gales of G-ninety g-nine were really scary,’ Grandad went on. ‘For two weeks that winter, the wind howled like a tom-cat with tooth-ache.

‘It was so windy, my false teeth were sucked out of my mouth, flew across the road and bit a policeman on the bottom.

‘It was so windy, things got whooshed into the air and didn’t come down again for days. I saw:

twelve cows a-mooing,

eleven kettles brewing,

ten toasters toasting,

nine postmen posting,

eight rowers rowing,

seven noses blowing,

six teachers teaching,

five doughnut rings,

four bags of crisps,

three footballs,

two teddy bears,

and a nice cup of camomile tea.’

He shook his head. ‘But it wasn’t as Gruesome as this.’

‘You must think we’re daft!’ laughed my big brother Billy, wrapping a scarf round his neck. ‘I’m going out.’

But he should have listened to Grandad.

The Woeful Winter of One-ty One turned out to be so cold, I saw icebergs as big as elephants floating down the river, and the penguins in the zoo flying south, wearing woolly socks on their feet.

It was so cold, our breath froze in the air as we spoke. Whole sentences formed in front of us, then crashed to the ground. My friend Willie Watson said a rude word, and it lay there at his feet in huge chunks of ice. Our teacher was really cross when she saw he’d spelt it wrong.

It was so cold, my big brother Billy froze solid halfway down the garden path. We fed him hot spicy sprout soup for three weeks until he thawed out, and while we were waiting, we wrapped him in tinsel, hung baubles from his ears, stuck a fairy on his head, and used him as a Christmas tree.

Next time, he’ll definitely listen to Grandad!

Steve Hartley's Danny Baker Record Breaker series is published by Macmillan.  His latest book, Danny Baker's Silly Olympics will be out in April.