Kids' Book Club

Once upon a time there lived an old window, sorry I mean an old widow.

Once upon a time there lived an old widow with her sun, I mean son.

Sorry. Sorry.

Once upon a time there lived an old widow with her son, sorry, I mean daughter.

Once upon a time there lived an old window with her daughter, sorry, I’ve done it again, I mean widow, not window.

Sorry.

Once upon a time there lived an old widow with her daughter, whose name was Jack, I mean Jeff, I mean John, I mean Jim, I mean James, I mean Jules, I mean Vanessa.

Once upon a time there lived an old widow with her daughter, Vanessa. Vanessa was twelve yards long, I mean twelve yards wide, I mean twelve arms deep, sorry I mean she was eleven inches thick, I mean sorry, I mean twelve years old, actually, sorry, I don’t know how old she was but she had blonde hair, I mean brown hair, I mean she had no hair but she owned a big brown hare, well, he was more of a rabbit really, I mean he was a dog, no, a cat, no a hamster, no an otter, no a zebra, no, no, no, a cat, no a dog, no a hare, no a cat, no a kitten, no a cat, no a hat, no a mutton, no a mitten, no a button, no a bittern, no a bottom, no a cat.

He was a big cat.

His name was Vanessa, no sorry, that was the daughter’s name. Oh, sorry, the rabbit was called Vanessa too, sorry, not the rabbit, but the kitten. Not the kitten, I mean, the mitten, no the cat. Sorry. They were all called Vanessa.

The widow was called Vanessa, the daughter was called Vanessa, the cat was called Vanessa.

It was pretty confusing in their house.

So, this widow was called Vanessa and her daughter was called Vanessa and their cat was called Vanessa. They were very hippy, I mean hoppy, I mean happy, I mean hoopy, I mean fat.

They were very fat people, except for Vanessa, who was a very fat cat.

They liked nothing more than playing football, I mean making doughnuts, I mean knitting cradles, I mean sitting in ladles, I mean shooting cocktails, I mean throwing snowballs, I mean snowing throwballs, I mean balling snowthrows.

Once they balled a snowthrow so far that it hat a man on the hit, I mean it hit a man on the hat, I mean it man a hat on the hit, I mean it missed the man altogether and hit a Robert called robot, I mean a robot called Robert, I mean a rowboat called Rupert, I mean a rubber-clad wristwatch.

Another time they snalled a bothrow so sky into the high that it flipped a switch on the universe and three seconds later, I mean three years earlier, I mean flea bags full it came down and flattened a sparrow on the wing, I mean splattened a warrow on the fling, I mean it wittered a florrow on a pring, I mean it flanded in a flimthrow and later the window, I mean the widow, I mean the Gruffalo, I mean I can't remember what I was talking about in the purse face, I mean the worst race, I mean the first place, it was dumpling to stew with a window and her porter and her hat, I mean a widow and her daughter and her cat, anyway they were all called Vanessa, and I know that for sure. They were all called Vanessa and that's a FAT.

I mean a FACT.

THE EDN

(C) Andy Stanton 2011